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GRIEVING THE LOSS OF A PET
Grief is the normal response to any important
loss in life. It occurs regardless of whether death followed a
prolonged illness, or a sudden accident. Grieving people experience
both physical and emotional traumas as they try to adapt to the
upheaval in their lives brought about by the loss.
Psychologists have long recognized that the grief
suffered by pet owners after their pet dies is the same as that
experienced after the death of a person. The death of a pet means the
loss of a non-judgmental love source. There is no longer anything for
the pet owner to nurture and care for. Furthermore, the owner looses
his or her contact with "the natural world." These feelings can be
particularly intense for the elderly, single people and childless
couples,( for whom the pet also is a child substitute).
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
In truth, the process of grief is not a cut and
dried process that can be subdivided into strict categories. Rather,
the grief process is a continuum, with each person experiencing it in
a different way. Dividing the grief process in to "stages" helps the
grief stricken person to understand that their experiences and
emotions are normal. Some people will quickly progress through all the
phases, while others appear to get "stuck" in a particular phase.
Briefly, the stages of grief are as follows:
1. SHOCK AND DENIAL
The reality of death has not yet been accepted by the
bereaved. He or she feels stunned and bewildered-as if everything is
"unreal."
2.ANGER
The grief stricken person often lashes out at family,
friends, themselves, God, the Veterinarian or the world in general.
Bereaved people will also experience feelings of guilt or fear during
this stage.
3. BARGAINING
In this stage, the bereaved asks for a deal or reward
from either God, the Veterinarian or the Clergy. Comments like "I'll
go to Church every day, if only my pet will come back to me" are
common.
4. DEPRESSION
Depression occurs as a reaction to the changed way of
life created by the loss. The bereaved person feels intensely sad,
hopeless, drained and helpless. The pet is missed and thought about
constantly.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance comes when the changes brought upon the
person by the loss are stabilized into a new lifestyle.
The depth and intensity of the mourning process depends on many
factors. The age of the owner, circumstances surrounding the death,
relationship of the animal to the owner and to other family members,
are all significant. Recently experiencing the death of a significant
person in the owner's life can also affect how the pet's death is
handled. Usually, children recover more quickly, while the elderly
take the longest. Sometimes, the death of a pet will finally enable
the bereaved to mourn the loss of a person, whose death had not yet
been accepted.
PET LOSS AND CHILDREN
Many people do not realize how traumatic and
confusing death can be on a child. Although children tend to grieve
for shorter periods of time, their grief is no less intense than that
experienced by adults. Children also tend to come back to the subject
repeatedly; so extreme patience is required when dealing with the
grieving child. Some helpful tips for helping the grieving child
include:
- Giving the child permission to work through
their grief.
- tell their teacher about the pet's death.
- encourage the child to talk freely about the pet.
- give the child plenty of hugs and reassurance.
- discuss death, dying and grief honestly.
- NEVER say things like "God took your pet," or
the pet was "put to sleep."
- Include the child in everything that is going
on.
- Explain the permanency of death.
DO PETS GRIEVE?
What many people find hard to believe is that
animals can form very firm attachments with each other. Even pets that
outwardly seem to barely get along will exhibit intense stress
reactions when separated. In fact, grieving pets can show many
symptoms identical to those experienced by the bereaved pet owner. The
surviving pet(s) may become restless, anxious and depressed. There may
also be much sighing, along with sleep and eating disturbances. Often,
grieving pets will search for their dead companions and crave more
attention from their owners.
How can an owner help the grieving
pet? By following the following recommendations:
- Keep the surviving pet(s)
routines as normal as possible.
- Try not to unintentionally
reinforce the behavior changes.
- Allow the surviving animals to work out the
new dominance hierarchy themselves.
- Don't get a new pet to help the grieving pet(s)
unless the owner is ready.
Should the owner let the surviving animals see
and smell their dead companion?
There is no evidence that doing so will help the surviving pet(s), but
some people claim that it does.
Usually, all it accomplishes is to make the owner feel better.
Therefore, if the owner wants to have the surviving pets "say
good-bye," then it should be allowed.
HEALING
Given time, healing will occur for the bereaved
owner.
However, there are several things that the grief-stricken owner can do
to help speed up the healing process:
Give yourself permission to grieve.
-only YOU know what your pet meant to you.
Memorialize your pet.
- makes the loss real and helps with closure.
- allows the bereaved to express their feelings, pay tribute
and reflect.
- draws in social support.
- Buy a special urn
or memorial for your pet.
- Write a story about your
pet.
- Create a collage, photo
album, or scrapbook of your pet.
- Save something that
belonged to your pet: collar, hair clipping, toy.
- Write a farewell letter
to your pet.
- Plant a tree for your
pet.
- Volunteer your time to an
animal charity.
- Make a donation to a
charity in your pet’s honor.
Suggestions for Coping
- Cry. If you suppress your
feelings, it will only delay the healing process.
- Talk about your feelings
with a compassionate friend or family member.
- If your grief is intense,
take some time off from work (if possible).
- Remember the things your
pet did that made you laugh or smile.
- Write down what you are
experiencing in a journal.
- Hold some sort of private
service for your pet.
- Read a pet grief book.
- Light a candle for your
pet.
- Pray. Your animal is
listening.
Get lots of rest, good nutrition and exercise.
- Surround yourself with people who understand
your loss.
let others care for you.
take advantage of support groups for bereaved pet owners.
Learn all you can about the grief process.
- Accept the feelings that come with grief.
- talk, write, sing, or draw.
Indulge yourself in small pleasures.
Be patient with yourself.
-DON'T let society dictate how long mourning should last.
Give yourself permission to backslide.
- Don't be afraid to get help.
pet loss support groups
grief counselors.
CONCLUSION
Grief is probably the most confusing, frustrating
and emotional thing that a person can experience. It is even more so
for pet owners. Society in general does not give bereaved pet owners
"permission" to grieve openly. Consequently, pet owners often feel
isolated and alone. Luckily, more and more resources are becoming
available to help the bereaved pet owner realize that they are NOT
alone and that what they are feeling is entirely normal.
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